Murder Mittens Read online

  “Once a month, I use practitioner magic to keep it in good condition.”

  “I will pay you to keep this machine maintained to this standard, even if I have to fly you around the world to do it.” Sebastian crouched, examining the table legs. “And yes, Miss Murder Mittens, I sew. Since you like this suit so much, I am pleased to inform you I made it myself. I have itchy fingers, so I read for a while, and then I do something crafty. Then I read some more. I don’t quilt, but I’m interested in learning how, so that’s why I rampaged on the scraps. I get my say and I get to learn a new craft. I win all around on this one.”

  Sebastian had made his suit?

  My virus swooned, and I struggled against the urge to lick my lips. “Can I pay you to visit my brothers and wax eloquent about sewing and making clothes? I warn you, however, they will complain that I wear clothes to death because I’m cheap.”

  “As I fully plan on meeting your family, I could be talked into such a thing, although you will have to convince me. I will be very difficult to convince, especially if I don’t have this sewing machine in my life.”

  I held out the appraisal. “I would have to pick between my face and the sewing machine, and I’m having trouble convincing myself I want the scars gone enough to walk away from this sewing machine, Sebastian. You have to be an adult for me. I’ll cry if I leave it here, because it’s that beautiful. I’m really not someone who likes to cry, but this machine is worth crying over.”

  Sebastian checked the appraisal. “I’ll buy the machine, but you’ll have to modify your current living arrangements to be more pleasant for me, for I’m selfish and have control over the sewing machine. But as I’m a gentleman, you can use it most of the time. But I will be expecting time with it. Just to be clear. This is a selfish acquisition, because I will probably cry if I walk away from this, too. Also, I’m now going to insist I have to borrow your truck, and I’m going to take this to your family and have them watch it while we’re handling business. And I’m going to make a scene.”

  He was going to make a scene? All he had to do to accomplish that was to show up in the first place. “You are such a cat, Sebastian.”

  “I am. And I need this sewing machine. And I’m going to need packaging supplies to move it to your home until it can be safely taken to its permanent home.”

  “My family is not expecting me back with the truck yet.”

  “You better call them and notify them you’re coming back with a lion and a sewing machine.”

  Carol stared at us with wide eyes, and I figured she needed some time to process my insanity—and possibly Sebastian’s insanity, too. The lion must have hit his head recently, as he seemed to be enjoying himself too much.

  “That’s how you get beaten by a bunch of cranky cats.”

  “You’re right. It is. Just call them and tell them I have to take you out for dinner first, but we really need this sewing machine to be safely guarded while we’re out. What excuse did you give them for this week?”

  “I didn’t give them an excuse. I told them the truth. I’m going to a spa for the week.”

  “Well, I guess I’m going to a spa for a week. This explains so much about your stubbornness. Obviously, I must poke my nose in your business.”

  My virus wanted him to get a move on, and I’d be tested keeping her restrained until I lured him to a secondary location. “My momma did say I had to bring home a man. Can I use you as my excuse for why I picked Cincinnati? Have you ever been to Cincinnati before? I could just claim I’d wanted to seduce you while at the spa. Couples are welcome at the spa. Children are discouraged.” Making children wasn’t discouraged, and I wasn’t going to make Sebastian aware the place was designed with lycanthropes in mind.

  Their rooms cost extra because they used furniture that might survive through amorous lycanthropes. They had soundproofed rooms, too.

  “Do I get to stay in your room for the week?”

  My virus made it clear there was only one appropriate answer to his question. As her desire aligned closely to my goal of making him roar for me, I nodded. “But you better put up a good fight with my family. And convince my momma you’re actually worth keeping around. If you get offed by a clan of lynxes, that’s not my problem. I’ll even mourn for the loss of my roars.”

  “And you call me a cat.”

  I shrugged. “I’ll contact my family, and we’ll take our sewing machine there, but I make no promises you will survive this.”

  “Is this how lycanthropes normally behave?” Carol asked.

  Sebastian smirked. “That depends entirely on the lycanthropes. What that asshole did to you is not how most of us behave. Miss Murder Mittens over there has been spending years vexing me. She’s a little slow, so she hasn’t figured out she can’t live without me yet. I’m sure she’ll figure it out soon enough.”

  I was a little slow? I balled my hands into fists and rested them on my hips. “What was that, Mr. Mane?”

  “You’re slow. All you’ve accomplished is making me roar from frustration. There are two other options you’ve failed to pursue. Not only are you slow, you’re not all that thorough. Are you sure you’re qualified to be handled by me? I am, after all, a lion. A perfect feline.”

  I scowled. “You’re going to regret that, Mr. Mane.”

  “Am I?” He chuckled. “That’s cute. Why don’t you give your family a call while I pay for your excess, Miss Murder Mittens?”

  Damned lion. I hissed at him but headed for my truck so I could make a call and wait for the cops and CDC to arrive.

  I leaned against my father’s truck and wondered what I’d tell my family. The truth would work the best. The truth would result in me joining Sebastian in being lightly tenderized for being a deceptively evil lynx.

  That sewing machine needed to come home with me, and if I had to keep the lion, so be it. Not only would I keep the lion, I’d fight my family for him. His roars were mine, and I wasn’t going to share.

  My virus approved.

  After several minutes of delaying, I dialed the house line, sighed, and waited for someone to answer.

  “Wells residence,” one of my many brothers answered.

  “Hey, whichever brother of mine you are. I need a favor.”

  “Already? Didn’t you just leave this morning, Harri?” My brother laughed. “I’m Alex, the best of your brothers.”

  It took me a moment to remember that Alex was one of the more troublesome and overprotective of my eldest brothers. “Ah, the bane of the first litter. All hail the bane of the first litter. So, a favor. Can I call one in?”

  “What do you need?”

  Alex had some mercy on me, so I might survive the next few hours. “I am weak, and I found a sewing machine I can’t live without. The sewing machine comes with a manly lycanthrope who has volunteered to help me haul it home. As such, at some ridiculous hour tonight, I am returning home with my new sewing machine and my lycanthrope. I am leaving the sewing machine, where it won’t even be scratched, and I’m resuming my trip with my manly lycanthrope.”

  “Could you repeat that?”

  “Which part?”

  “The manly lycanthrope part.”

  I snickered. Some lies were easier to tell than others, and I’d get away with my fibbing because it classified as so crazy it just had to be true. “Did you really think I was going to Cincinnati to a spa for a week, with the intention of being all by my lonesome?”

  “Uh, yes. Yes, we did. Because the last time a wolf came over, he flinched. You didn’t cry that time, but we could all see the heartbreak in your eyes. As such, we beat the wolf once you couldn’t catch us beating the wolf for hurting your feelings. You haven’t tried to meet any men since.”

  “I did actually cry. For five whole minutes, just like I do every time a wolf runs away after flinching. Mostly because I was angry, but my tender, fragile heart was definitely broken. You were wrong, but the sewing machine is a problem, and now I have to lug it home before I take my
lycanthrope to the spa. Where I will do whatever I want with him.”

  Sebastian poked his head through the door. “Are you aware you’re being rather loud, Wells?”

  “I’m nervous because I don’t want them to kill the only damned male cat in the fucking United States so blind he doesn’t flinch at my face.”

  “Scars are sexy,” he replied before returning into the store.

  Meow. “Apparently, I’m being loud, Alex.”

  “You are being loud, and I see your friend has correctly identified one of your many issues, my dear little kitten of a sister. However, I didn’t want to hear some male lycanthrope comment that he thinks scars are sexy, because that means I know exactly what he’s going to be doing with my little sister.”

  “He’s male, he’s a feline, and he doesn’t flinch. However, he’s not a lynx. I had to compromise. He has been exposed to me numerous times without flinching, he’s male, and he willingly got into Daddy’s truck upon request. I didn’t even have to use much force. I did annoy him, but that’s only because I like annoying him.”

  “I can’t tell if you’re wanting me to encourage or discourage you, Harri.”

  “Encourage. Remember what happened with the lynxes? Because I do.”

  “Well, that’s obvious. The weak ass male lynxes who aren’t in our clan cried when they saw your face. You got pissed and beat the shit out of them while a lynx. There may have been some crying from you involved, but we never actually acknowledge when you cry over lynxes. There isn’t a single male lynx on this entire continent who’ll pay you a visit because they know what you’ll do to them should they flinch when they see your face. And they always do. And unlike when Mom goes after Dad, there is no kissing or making up afterwards.”

  “Well, if they hadn’t treated my face like it’s a horror show, I wouldn’t have kicked their asses.” I hissed over the reality of the situation. “I just piss this lycanthrope off, and I like when I do it, so I go out of my way to piss him off. It turns out he likes it, too, and he’s now following me around. And since he doesn’t flinch over my face, I don’t mind. At all. I will mind if my family beats on my lycanthrope.”

  “I see. So, how much are we allowed to beat him?”

  “You wreck his suit, and I’m going to mess up all those pretty faces. We clear?”

  My brother chuckled. “I have an audience, and I’ve never seen so many hopeful people in one space before. How did you go from heading to Cincinnati to buying a sewing machine?”

  “Well, you know I like to crochet sometimes, right?”

  “Yes. You made Mom a blanket for Christmas, and she cried because her little kitten had made her something, and it was simple but very nice. You made Dad a blanket the year before. For some reason, Hugh and Harvey got blankets from you first. The rest of us have been crying ourselves to sleep every night because our sister won’t make us blankets.”

  I rolled my eyes at my brother’s antics. “If I made a blanket for each of you, I would never get anything else done. Like work. And you know what happens when I don’t eat, Alex. I get mean.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “Well, I wanted to make a blanket for me. And then I decided I should make baby blankets for the new litter, too. And the male feline I picked up came in and helped me pick up the yarn.”

  “Wait. He went into a yarn store with you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did he complain?”

  “No, not at all. He actually made good yarn suggestions, too. I didn’t know he knitted or crocheted until today, though. But his secret is now exposed. He sews. Our first real fight is over the sewing machine. Right now, we have a joint custody arrangement for the sewing machine.”

  “Okay. I see it really is too late for you. Tell us when and where we should pick up your Christmas present, and we’ll make sure he’s unable to escape you. We can be convincing.”

  I snickered at the thought of my brothers picking a fight with a lion. Who would win?

  Me. I would win. The roaring would be amazing, and I bet my lion would do a fantastic job of beating up on my brothers before they used sheer numbers to overwhelm him.

  “You will not harm a hair on his head, you will not damage his face, and you will not wreck his suit. You will also leave his masculinity intact and uninjured.”

  “Well, he wouldn’t be of much use to you if we damaged his masculinity.”

  The first of the cops pulled up, and I sighed. “I have to go rescue my sewing machine from that cat’s clutches. And help him load it into the truck. I’ll give a call when I have an estimated time of arrival. And no plans for my lycanthrope, you hear me?”

  “Loud and clear,” my brother replied.

  I hung up, dug out the little card the CDC gave me that told the police I could legally murder people, and prepared to waste several hours answering questions.

  Six

  The lion wisely helped only when asked.

  The CDC arrived half an hour after the cops to verify my kill and authorize the payment for my work. As Sebastian happened to be around, he cut through the red tape bullshit in record time.

  On Monday morning, I would have twenty-five thousand dollars in my bank account.

  Yesterday, that money would have gone towards the surgical reconstruction of my face. Today, I had no idea what I would do with it, but it was mine, so it was going into my savings account. If the big job fell through, I’d be twenty-five thousand closer to having my face back.

  If it didn’t fall through, I’d probably need therapy to get over actually having money I could do something with.

  The sewing machine itself went into a box with a lot of padding and was buckled into the back seat for extra-safe keeping. Its beautiful wooden stand with drawers went into the bed, and as I had issues, I secured it tighter than Fort Knox.

  Sebastian observed, and the lion wisely helped only when asked.

  Snapping my teeth and growling a warning had been sufficient to make it clear I would personally handle my new baby.

  “Joint custody arrangement,” he reminded me.

  “You’re losing this one, because this baby is moving in with me, which means you have to move in with me, and my living arrangements are not to a lion’s standards. You and your ego won’t fit in my home. It’s small, and I rent it. It’s the house version of an apartment. I do my customer service work in the equivalent of a small closet. And since you insist on joint custody, you’ll just have to deal with it. I’ll give you a key so you can visit and sew when you need to visit. If I move away, my entire family will have a meltdown, and there’s nothing worse than a bunch of cats indulging in drama all at once. It’s bad enough when one litter has a meltdown, but all fifteen litters having a meltdown at one time? My brothers would make the news. I’d make the news for killing my brothers, too.”

  “I have plans for that. My favorite plan involves rope, a struggle, a forced removal of the lynx of my choosing from arrangements not to my standards and moving her to a location that does meet my standards. As I am a lion, I’ll fight an entire lynx clan for the right to do this if necessary. I’ve never gotten to take on an entire lynx clan at one time before, so I find this to be exciting and interesting. As I get to make off with the clan’s only single woman, I’m the winner of this from top to bottom.”

  My virus wanted to get straight to the struggle portion of his plan, and she wanted all of the struggling to take place while naked. Considering her general patience when it came to my non-existent dating or sex life, I wouldn’t blame her for her ridiculous amount of lust.

  Sebastian wore his suit a little too well, and the knowledge he’d made it only revved my engine in the best ways.

  Still, I’d started our questionable relationship being a pain in his ass, and I wouldn’t go down without maintaining my high standards of driving him insane. “I hope you survive. I will be so sad if my daddy kills you. I’ll probably even shed an entire tear over your loss. And then I’d probably get my uncle as
my handler, and work would be so bad. So bad. I’d have to get voice-masking software on my phone and never meet him in person. And figure out how to get the CDC to completely mask my identity to prevent the clan from having a meltdown. It wouldn’t end well at all. For the sake of my sanity and ability to fix my face, you must survive through your meeting with my family.”

  His glare implied I ventured close to earning a roar, and my virus perked up at the thought of earning yet another one out of him. I grinned.

  When caught off guard, even my family grimaced when I grinned or smiled, as it made the missing chunk of bone in my cheek more pronounced. All my expression did was annoy Sebastian into scowling even more.

  “Are you going to roar for me, little kitty?” I taunted while doing a second check of the prized stand for the sewing machine. I gave my new baby a loving pat and hopped out of the bed, securing the tailgate into place. “I do like when I make your fragile hold on your temper fray and snap. And then all you can do to me is roar in my face. In case you weren’t sure, I find that to be so satisfying.”

  “The next time I roar, it won’t be because you’re doing your best to piss me off, that much I promise. And the longer you resist, the longer you’ll go without hearing a single roar out of me.”

  How utterly ruthless of him. “It better be a really good roar, lion.”

  “And I will be expecting your best purrs. And yes, Miss Murder Mittens, lions have sensitive hearing, and I enjoy when you try to hide when you’re purring. That factored into my general willingness to roar at you. It seemed mean of me to deprive the sad, lonely little single lycanthrope of a joy in her life. I’m very interested in discovering how long you can sustain a purr, how loud your purring can get, and if I can make an entire lynx clan uncomfortable through making you purr.”